Suki suki ~!

Jumbled Up Thoughts

2006-01-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

Been a very long time since i last wrote in here. More like 3 months. I have finally received my final exam result from UTP, which signifies me successfully graduated with a BA (Hons) in IT. The result is ok although not as what i aimed for. I got Dean's List but i m no 1st class student. A bit disappointed with that coz that means i have to pay back my loan with petronas about 10k. if i did get that 1st class, i can use that 10k to pay for a house downpayment. oh...forgot...oredi got a house in cj. then, mebbe i'd hv bought a couture gown. make it a vera wang wedding dress perhaps. haha :P

pfftt. still dreaming of marriage. i shudnt be even thinking about it now since i dunno what to do with my degree. deffinitely not going to work in IT field. IT workers in malaysia r mostly overworked and underpaid. Dont hv much interest in IT oso. My FYP was crap! but i still scraped an A coz i nailed the presentation. mebbe i shud go for marketing...since i m able to make crappy product sounds attractive. huhu~

I m still looking for jobs. just started sending resumes. expecting interviews somewhere in march. dont ask what kinda jobs i m applying for. hehe~

but i m really hoping to get that trainee lecturer post in utp. i like talking. i like studying. i like teaching and good at it. and i cant seem to leave utp with a big smile. i m perfect for the post rite? hope so.

100++ photos to be editted.

spring cleaning my bedroom.

watch hana yori dango live action.

apply for more jobs.

my list of things to do. hehe.

i'm 39kg, 157cm, seriously underweight. no appetite at all. the hunger is there, but the desire to eat is almost non-existent. i eat with no enthusiasm. i need to fatten up. i need mcD!!!!! demn...bintulu has no mcD!!!!

There's a question in my head tonight. about what i always hear ppl say...even my bf say it sometimes. "What u dont know wont hurt u". i think that statement is one of the most irresponsible statements of all. know y?? bcoz it gives a reason for ppl to rationalize their dishonesty, betrayal, and other wrong doings.

if a person does not do anything wrong, why would that person conceal it? the act of concealing something shows that the person is feeling guilty. but of course, he/she is most likely to be in denial. lets say u do something that u know will hurt the feelings of another person. u know it is wrong. but u rationalize to urself saying "what she doesnt know wont hurt her". i never feel it is ok to do so.

so, i think...we should never hv that kind of mindset that says "What u dunno wont hurt u". if its just a small mistake, nvm la. like when u spill unwashable stuff on ur sister's fav shirt and u dowan her to find out so u go buy a new identical shirt to replace the stained one. but if u r talking about "mistakes" the kind of cheating, deceiving, backstabbing...u really shouldnt hv irresponsibly rationalize ur action with the mere line "what u dunno wont hurt u". its really malicious if u do that especially on ur loved ones. and know what's worse? it is when u see ur loved one crying n getting upset over it when the secret is open, and u say "who ask u to find out about it?".

even now, i m so numb.

seriously, i dont remember being cursed by ancient aztec coins or changed into skeleton under the moonlight :P

the other night i dreamt of young obi-wan kenobi/ewan mc-gregor. for a second there, i felt bliss. the previous time i dreamt of him was a day b4 i decided to break-up with my then bf. and i hv no intention to repeat my decision on my current one as i hv a "binding contract" of some sort with him. the same sort that binds me with utp and also the same sort that makes me go on with IT degree although i could bail out and take other more interesting courses. even if he broke my heart to pieces i'd still be loyal to him. even if i m hurting every second bcoz of him, i'd still not leave him. but of course, many girls want me to leave him for various reasons. some even want to keep him for herself. some r even so sick that they want to share him with me. i m not a pervie to wanna do threesome or foursome. haha :D

he must be very happy eh?? of course...a guy who everyone wants, paired up with a girl that nobody really wants. boost of ego. i m always scared of being left alone. but i guess, i can be brave being left alone...rite??? i m, like so many ppl hv told me, a smart girl; a genius who doesnt do assignments and study but still can get dean's list without cheating. a smart girl should be brave. the only problem is i dont feel i m smart....i never feel i m smart....i dont think i m of worth...

holy crap...i hv inferiority complex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-end-

2005-07-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

i think i hv never mentioned about my soulmate here, huh? haha...my soulmate just happened to stumble upon me in a garbage can. he picked me up, mend me a bit and keep me and taken care of me. that is why i love him so much. how i know he is my soulmate? coz i can feel it. he is in doha now. in another 3 more days, i m gonna meet him in KLIA. gonna spend 1 day at kl...maybe will spend quality time splashing at sunway lagoon. then, we'll go back to utp. i miss him so much although i dowanna miss him. coz it is a torture. i hv been tortured for 6 weeks and its finally gonna end. hurrah!~

2005-07-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

i slept too much this evening and now i feel dizzy. slept for 3 hours. coz i was bored. i did dream of a few things. but now i forgot. i dont wanna remember my dreams anymore. its horrific. last night i dreamt of dying. i could feel the life is sucked out of me. it was really scary. but in some culture, dreaming of dying is a sign of longetivity and prosperity. well...i sure hope so :)

i tried cooking kailan ikan masin for lunch today. but it didnt come out as expected. it just tastes like normal kailan fried with oyster sauce. huhu.

i visited lowyat forum just now. i read one post about a guy who is asking for advice. u c, this guy's dad is cheating with another woman. he is of course, so pissed off. he said his mom just trusts his dad too much although his dad always come home drunk and doesnt treat his mom well. he wants a solution without hving his mom finds out about the affair coz he doesnt want to make his mom very sad.

many replies asked him to blackmail his dad first. haha. but i know, for my sister syu, if my dad cheated with another woman...she's gonna make that woman feel so sorry she wish she is dead. she told me that. hehe. if my partner cheated on me...i hv reprogrammed my head on this...i will make dunno. i view myself as a product. like Chi in chobits perhaps. hehe. if u like me, pick me up. if u happen to get tired of me, or u found someone better....feel free to chuck me off. thats world nowadays. if i m lucky, someone would stumble upon me in the grabage can and find out i m still functioning. haha. its just that i m so tired of expecting ppl to do the right thing. coz nowadays, nobody is.

the world is becoming less and less idealistic. if the world now is at least 50% ideal, Bush would be considered as a terrorist or a murderer, too. since he bombed innocent ppl. except he's doing that in the name of anti-terrorism. now, the justification of our actions r no longer determined by our decission and the action itself. it is determined by what we label it or by what we name it.

just look at ur workplace. if u r not working, listen to those who r alraedy working. we know the existence of workplace parasites. those who did nothing but get all the credits. in an ideal world, those who work hard will be given credits. but nowadays, those who r manipulative and cheaters will win instead. u wont know who r these parasites until u work closely with them. coz if u r just the onlooking bystanders, u'd think "wow, he's great. he's accomplished this and that".

life is making me cynical. at such a young age somemore. pfft.

wish to the falling star

2005-07-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

i wished to the falling star last night...that i'd hv amnesia. so i would not hv to remember so much. even the smallest things that ppl dont. coz it makes me feel like a big liar coz i remember something that they dont. i wish i dont hv to remember, everything about me. it is just so disgusting. i wish i dont hv to remember anyone. so i could spare them another half of their lifetimes wasted on me. i wish i dont hv to remember anything, so the memories wont torture me no more. since no one can fully understand my thoughts, i better just erase my thoughts and replace them with theirs.

but its an easy way out aint it?

2005-07-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

These are among the criterion that always pop up in a girl's mind whenever asked "Describe ur dream guy" :

1). Calon suami yang tidak merokok(non-smoker)
2). Calon suami yang bersembahyang, taat pada
perintah Allah (a guy who does his prayers, and good to his religion)
3). Penyayang, Penyabar (loving, and patient)
4). Suka Berterus terang (honest)
5). Romantik (romantic)
6). TIdak mempermainkan Kaum Hawa (not a playboy)
7). Berbudi Bahasa (articulate)
8). Kelakar (good sense of humour)

And here, are what a less-than-perfect guy retorts to those over the top criterion:

1). Purata 9 daripada 10 lelaki adalah perokok, camner la korang nak carik yang tak merokok...kekadang tu dia tak merokok depan korang...tapi belakang... tak pun dalam toilet~

my comment: yes...that's absolutely true. Girls, we just hv to accept the fact that boys will be boys; they like to die early as long as they enjoy life :) And for the fact that second-hand smokers get the biggest impact of smoking...well...that just never crossed their heads. Maybe just once or twice. So, if ur bf smokes...just hold ur breath.

2). Yup, Sembahyang @ Solat... yang diwajibkan ada 5, tapi alahai...kadang2 dapat 3 pun dah besar rahmat dah la.. kadang2 tuh sekali seminggu jek.... lagi teruk 2 kali setahun.... tuh pun baik dah tuh ingat semayang cane...Wallahualam..~

my comment: For muslim ladies, included in the guideline to choose a husband according to quran, or hadith (i m not sure)...is actually 'choose one who r good with his religion so he can guide u'. So, it is immature to scoff at those girls who add this criteria in their dream guy becoz they r just trying to follow the guideline. But of course, nowadays...these guys r almost extinct. So girls, no need to look for pious guys who can lead u to God. U can lead the way urself.

3). Penyayang & Penyabor?? mungkin masa bercinta & masa tengah carik jodoh jer kot...riso lepas kawin jadik Penerajang & Penampor jerk...tak pun penyayang dan penyabor ngan bini lain jek..~

my comment: This two criterion shouldnt be put into one. It should be separated. Some guys r loving but hot tempered. Some r distant, but very patient. So...according to this guy who wrote the above statement...brace urself girls. Ur loving and patient, gentle bf now will be a monster once married. The moment he hits u, RUN. and make police report. but as for now, just enjoy his company...as long as his 'loving and patient self' is still there.

4). Lelaki memang suka berterus terang...takde gelap2 punya...omputih kata straight 2 the point...melayu kata, sound tepat... tak macam pompuan, lidah bercabang seribu.....depan cakap punyer la baik.... blakang?

my comment: that's a really horrid statement. bcoz anyone can be lidah bercabang. regardless of gender. but then again, if guys label women as lidah bercabang, then i suppose women can label guys as menananam tebu di hujung bibir. y? becoz he can say 'i love u' to u when he is text messaging 'i love u' to another girl. get the point? No? too bad.

5). Romantik? apa definisi romantik yang sebenarnya? cari dalam kamus tengok -camner
ciri2 lelaki romantik...sesapa leh huraikan?? Kalau nak ikot stail cite cinta omputeh tuh, mimpi jek la, dalam mimpi pun tak tentu romantik lagi~

my comment: not all guys r romantic. sorry girls. most guys hv no sense of romance at all. although all of them want sex from us...

6). Kaum lelaki memang tidak pernah sesekali mempermainkan kaum Hawa..never...ever...forever... hakikat yang berlaku sekarang ni...kaum lelaki la yang banyak kena main dengan kaum Hawa...lelaki kalau dia kata dia sayang, dia cinta.... arus elektrik pun tak dapat hanyutkan dia....but ingat....itu kalau dia kata dia sayang or cinta jerk.... pompuan, kalau cinta or sayang pun dier tetap permainkan hati laki jugak.... pompuan neh memang, busuk sungguh~

my comment: girls tak busuk...jarang busuk...laki lebih busuk. just go to their room and u will crave for fresh air. haha. btw, the statement that guys never mempermainkan perempuan...hello? dont make me laugh. unless someone can explain to me why some guys like to flirt around, make girls fall in love with them, then leave. If they leave. Some dont leave. Instead, they will make a 'collection'. Undeniable that girls ada gak camtu...playgirl. But to say that guys never ever play with a girl's heart? that's something irrational.

7). Berbudi Bahasa ni kena tengok dengan attitude seseorang tu..kalau cara dia cakap dengan kita pun macam hampeh, takkan la dia tak hampeh depan mak bapak kita esok. nak yang betul berbudi?? cari la yang tak hampeh... tapi diri sendiri tuh lom tau lagi hampeh ke tak, so cermin diri sendiri dulu gak, dah dier hampeh, dapat la laki
yang hampeh~

my comment: couldnt hv agreed more to this statement. finally, a well-said one, with no bias.

8). Kelakar....nampak gaya kaum lelaki kena langgan majalah ujang la...supaya ada modal time dating nanti...memang best dapat pasangan yang kelakar...tapi kalau sebijik macam Mr.Bean...rasanya mak bapak kita pun malu nak ngaku menantu..kan..kan...kan? Tuh pun bagus lagi Mr. Bean tuh, mau nyer cam Pak Cik Din
Beramboi? lagi la malu....

my comment: I dont think 'funny' should be included in the criteria of a dream guy. should change it to 'someone who makes me smile' instead (credits to mr. kukuchi on this one). Enuff said :)

So, as the conclusion:

Guys blame girls. Girls blame guys. Wake up! we share this world. we need each other. girls do tend to set a very high standard in their 'dream guy'. and guys, takder kurangnya jugak. except that they dont exactly go for inner traits; they go for physical traits such as 36-24-36. Long straight hair. Fair skin. small nose. big eyes bla bla bla. Its not the problem of girls expect too high or guys expect too high...this is just a matter of HUMAN NATURE. it is human to dream of something big. is it so wrong? The issue is actually, whether one can distinguish between dream and reality. i believe that all of us, boys and girls, can distinguish that. So, it is not wrong to dream of this super perfect guy or super sexy woman...as long as u know, that no one is perfect. My bf is not perfect. from that usual 'dream guy' criterion, he only has 1/4 of the traits. but i m happy :) Afterall, thats what love is all about: accepting ur partner as he/she is..including the weaknesses (another credits to mr. kukuchi).

Just another of my 2 cents.

2005-07-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

Just an excerpt of an article writtem by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., with Jean Coppock Staeheli in their book entitled, "Not Just Friends".

There are all kinds of reasons for not stepping over the line that would normally stop you from entering a forbidden territory. Vulnerabilities and values will be revealed by the thoughts and actions that came up as you crossed thresholds into the extramarital relationship. Most likely, discussing these questions will uncover the magnetism of the relationship, the sense of curiosity, or the belief that nothing bad would come of it. One of the most revealing thoughts is whether the unfaithful partner considered the consequences of getting involved or only of getting caught.

For example, how did Ralph (who was married to Rachel) decide to go ahead with that secret lunch date he had with Lara? What was he anticipating? It's important to understand how a platonic friendship can shift into an affair. When people confide to opposite-sex friends about problems in their marriage, they are revealing a weak spot and signaling their availability at the same time. Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.

Through discussions with his wife, Lisa, Les figured out how he let himself be drawn into an affair with Fiona, a new colleague at work. He recognized that it started off with his compassion for Fiona's situation. He was moved by her tale of a distressed marriage, a disabled child, and a terminally ill father who lived with her. Les admitted that he was flattered by Fiona's idealizing him when she compared him to her insensitive husband. He pictured himself as her protector rescuing her from her troubled life. One freezing Sunday, when he got a call from Fiona asking him to drive over and give her dead battery a charge he did share it with Lisa. Later, he and Lisa agreed that when he stopped talking about Fiona at home and started keeping his weekend phone calls secret, the friendship had shifted into an emotional affair. Sexual intimacy developed as Les became convinced that he was "in love" with Fiona, and he began to detach emotionally and sexually from the marriage. Fiona had grown up in a working-class family without luxuries. She was thrilled when Les took her out to a simple lunch at a restaurant that had table service. In contrast, when Les and Lisa went to five-star restaurants, they took it for granted as part of their lifestyle. Les felt gratified that he could add a little joy to Fiona's troubled life. Because Les and Lisa talked about how he felt sorry for Fiona, it became clear to both of them that he was vulnerable to rescuing maidens in distress. He vowed that in the future, he would erect distinct boundaries with unhappy, attractive women who touched his kind heart. When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and re-forging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred, but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics.

It's always been like that, right? A girl goes seeking emotional comfort from a guy friend. The guy friend gives emphathy. Then b4 they realize it, they r in a secret affair that both denies. To those reading, i wish u good luck. And wish me good luck, too. We'd never know what will happen to our marriage in the future. It could be ur spouse or it could be u who r playing this so called 'platonic relationship'.

To girls out there who r having a problem: if u know ur male buddy is alraedy in a relationship, know ur place. Jgn menggatal to fish his symphathy. And dont be fooled to believe that u actually fall in love with him. U just 'fall in love' becoz u hv nobody else. Thats not a good thought to live with, right? I m a girl so i m reminding this to myself as well (i just realized i hv more male frens than female frens). So, if anyone caught me doing this one day, pls DO quote me this blog entry.

To guys who hv these exceptionally kind heart: Dont use ur 'exceptional kindness' as a reason to cheat on ur loved one. Although the word cheating here may hv different definition from one person to another, but the universal of cheating is 'whatever u did with another girl that requires sneaking, lying, keeping it secret from ur loved one'. Know ur boundaries. U r not kind at all if u leave ur loved one crying everynight thinking about u and ur affair or "female buddy".

Just my 2 cents.

AF

2005-07-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

I m supporting Yazer. Coz i like his style. And his looks. Hehe. He looks like a rocker, he has good rock vocal, and i think he's sweet :) And then, there is kefli. His performance tonight was so moving. He was singing a Sheila on 7 number...slow ballad...with lotsa lashing of emotion in it. With his really really cute face...huhu...i m in lurrrvve :P

Aku tak percaya lagi

Dengan apa yg kau beri

Aku terdampar disini

Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi

Akan guna matahari

Yg dulu mampu terangi

sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

Tak ada cinta ku dapat

Kenapa ada derita

Bila bahagia tercipta

Kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang tanpa dendam

Kuterima kekalahanku

Aku pulang tanpa dendam

Kusalutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia

Kau ajarkan aku derita

Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

Kau tunjukkan aku derita

Kau berikan aku bahagia

Kau berikan aku derita

Good huh, this song lyrics? Looks like something i would write myself :) Huhu...suddenly feel sad...
Btw, kefli is so cute...*sob*

The eve of the Bethrotal

2005-07-02T04:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow would be a big day for my family. As my oldest cousin would be bethrothed to his gf. He would be the first one among us cousins to go down the path of partnership. The wedding would take place in december this year.

I wish my bf wanna get betrothed to me. But i dunno. Last time he said he wanted to get engaged with me end of this year but then he changed his mind. Well...just a moment of pure happiness i guess. Now, i just dont wanna think about it too much. Putting hopes too high and to only see them crashing back to the ground. I better just go with the flow and hv fun :) Like my friend amy always say, Cest la vie...sieze the day. Let it be what it'll be. It's just a ring right? Pfft...i can get myself rings anytime i want. Except that i prefer charm bracelets. Haha :P
Oh, hv i told u that i never thought of marriage b4? I didnt even know what's the use of having a bf. But now i know. The use of having a bf is to get me feeling sad...then happy. Coz last time, I was quite plastic...all smiles, all day. A bit of cynicism can do me good, i guess.

A Haiku

2005-06-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

Fallen sick on a journey,

In dreams i run wildly,

Over a withered moor.

-Basho

Basho wrote that last verse of haiku when he was in death bed. Indicating that he still wanna travel although he was about to die. Basho was a famous haiku poet in Japan in the 1600s. This haiku verse is my favourite. I m not sure why. Reading it for the first time...something just struck my heart. The depth of the meaning of those simple words.

I hv this tortured soul of a wandering poet. Only that, i live in the 21st century and still hvent visited many places yet or write any more poems. I used to write english poems but i lost my collection to my siblings. They broke into my room, found the book, and ripped the pages to make origami. And drew some kiddies sketches on the pages. And then simply shredded them into pieces. Heh. There goes my 5 years of work. Demmit.

My friend Taqi told me a few nights ago, that i m an icon of happy-go-luckiness. I dunno to either take it as a compliment or not. But i sure do like the word 'icon' ;)

Actually, i m not that happy-go-lucky. I may look innocent and all. It's just that i hv this babyface...

In reality, i just dont share my worries with the world. Partly coz i dont hv anyone to share it with...and partly becoz i cant share it with anyone else but me. Hehe. I do hv secrets ;) Well, i did consult my friends once or twice about my troubles but most of the time, i didnt tell the entire truth. I fabricate the vital information.

Sometimes i wonder if i hv ever been truly happy in my life. So far, i hvent found that happy streak yet. I dont even know what would make me happy. Ppl say love will make anyone happy, though...

I like daydreaming. In my head, i always hv this dream of running freely in an open field, where the grass is dewy. The air is fresh and cool. In the distance i can see rocky mountains. As i run and run, i would find myself looking at the vast sea. From a high place. With ocean waves crashing below. No one would be there but me. Only me and the sea. No worries whatsoever. Only then, i would feel whole.

I dont normally fall in love with ppl. However, when i do...its catastrophic. Coz i would give everything to the one i love. Leaving nothing for myself. I m reckless with myself. So, i cant exactly expect anyone to not be reckless with my heart. When it comes to personal matters, I m the laid back type. Too laid back. Too giving. My patience is almost limitless. This makes ppl tend to take me for granted (lotsa ppl warn me about it or else i wont even know that ppl r taking me for granted!). I rarely think of my own happiness. Its always about someone else's. Although that someone else would trample on my heart and call me selfish, not understanding etc etc. It is a cycle, really. Someone said i m selfish, i would make myself even more giving so i wont be called selfish, then someone else (or the same someone) would call me selfish and i would be even more giving than previously. It grows exponentially. Haha :P

Knowing this and u might wonder y i dont just say go to hell with other ppl. And think about urself. The problem is, i kinda like doing that. I like doing all the sacrifices in hope that someday, those ppl would appreciate me. Even though they dont appreciate me, at least i can feel contented that i hv done the very best for them. I just cant bring myself to think about my own happiness. It feels so wrong. Thinking about myself.

There is a japanese folklore about a traveller who got tricked by an entire village to give everything he owns. He would gave every item he got including clothes he was wearing with a smile and saying "Be happy! Be happy!". In the end, he got tricked by a group of monsters who wanna eat him. In the story, he agreed to gave every limbs he got to be eaten by the monsters until the only part that is left is his head, with his eyes gone. Then the last monster said to him, "For ur kindness, i hv a gift for u." Then, the monster wrote something on a paper and left it near the traveller. The traveller was so happy and said, "Thank u! Thank u! I hv never received any gifts b4!". But he didnt know that the paper got a writing: 'Baka', meaning 'stupid'. Shortly after, he died.

Dont worry though, i wont give away my limbs :)

Rape

2005-06-22T05:45:00.000-07:00

Last night, i watched a special report on NTV7 regarding rape cases in Malaysia. I also remember viewing a statistic for rape cases and it shows that most rapists are malays. Malays are muslims. Islam deffinitely doesnt teach its followers to commit such act. Malays are also known as a polite bunch of ppl. At least, that's what Sir Frank Swettenham wrote in his Malaya journal. And at least, that is the conclusion of my survey among my foreign friends on what they think about Malays. "Malays dont like to get into trouble", one quoted. So, why in that statistic, most sexual offences are committed by this supposedly docile ppl? These rapists dont only rape, but they murdered their victims as well.

A Malay criminologist said in that special report last night, that pornographic materials and illegal apphrodisiacs are to blame for the increase in rape cases. I find this statement as something new. Because I have always been fed by the notion that rape has nothing to do with sex; rape is all about power and domination.

So, is the criminologist wrong? Maybe. But maybe not. Because these rape cases happened in different cultural setting than the western. The notion that sex is about power and domination is made by western criminologists. In western countries, anyone can have sex. As long as they dont do it in public places. Sex is not a taboo in western culture. So, why r they still rape cases in the western countries? Deffinitely not becoz of sex becoz they can get laid pretty easily. That is why rape cases in the western countries r related to power and domination.

The situation is different however, in Malaysia. Malaysia is an eastern country. Sex is very much, still a taboo. Although in certain Asian countries like Japan, they do open up to sex nowadays by having more 'freedom' like the western ppl, but they still keep it very discrete. Malaysia as we know has 3 main races: Malay, Chinese and Indian. Among the 3 races, Malay considers sex as a big taboo compared to the other 2 races, which r getting more liberal sexually nowadays.

And this is when things start to happen. Seeing their other friends of different races having sex with their gfs etc, and supported by pornographic materials widely available in the Internet and through pirated DVDs/CDs, egged on by exposure to western lifestyle through rapid globalization...some malays start to think about sex more frequently. And that is when they try to ask for it from their partners. But some partners dont wanna do it becoz they still hold on to what they believe. The Malays strongly believe that pre-marital sex is a great sin as that's included in their Islamic teaching. Conflict of interest would happen and later would cause the male partner to force sex on his female partner, out of 'excitement' or desperation. Sometimes, the relationship between the rapist and his victim isnt even bf-gf. It could be friendship and even family relationship. This is proven by the statistic that shows 80% of rapists r actually those close with the victims and are no strangers. This also proves that rape cases in malaysia isnt becoz of power and domination. It is becoz of sex itself.

So, can we blame it on lack of religious teaching as well? Well, basically yes. In Islam, those who hv this 'abnormally high sex drive' must get married quickly. This is because Islam realizes that some ppl r just...well...more sexually driven than others. That is why Islam is flexible. However, Malay culture doesnt allow such simplicity. To get married in Malay culture is one big fat hassle. There should be an engagement ceremony and then there would be the wedding ceremony that has sooooo many routines or procedures. I dont really know how to describe a typical malay wedding bcoz it is just complex. I still remember reading a post made in my uni's intranet forum by someone i deem as eccentric and radical. He's a malay. He blames the complexity of malay wedding for abandoned babies cases. His opinion is, it is so hard to get married in Malay culture that no wonder some malays hv sex and then simply abandon their babies in toilets or drains or garbage bins when they get pregnant. And oh, most abandoned babies belong to Malays. Another to blame for this kind of moral decay (pembuangan bayi) is the lack of sex education. Ppl just dont talk about sex openly here. So, thats y got some "eager" teenagers involve into sexual encounter without ever hearing the word 'contraception'.

This is just my opinion. I just present what i know from my analysis and observation. It doesnt represent anything personal.

Polygamy

2005-06-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, I watched 3 movies on TV about cheating husbands. The funny thing is, all of them hv the same ending: the husband died before asking forgiveness from the wife. Nope...not all Malay movies. In fact, two are english movies and the other one is malay. The most interesting one is the malay one: Bila Tsunami Melanda. I watched it with my granny last night. It was a sad story and my grany was sniffling next 2 me.

The story is exploiting the Malaysian Tsunami tragedy by taking it as the movie setting. It was about one very happy family; a loving couple who's been married for 25 years and their 4 children. The children has always seen their parents as a very romantic couple. But the dad has one colleague that he deemed as his good friend. The colleague was a young beautiful woman. This woman loves him although she knew that he's married with 4 kids. She pursuaded him to marry her. At first, he didnt want to becoz he said he loves his family and didnt want to hurt their feelings. But the woman persisted. Saying that he can help her change herself to become a better person, and that her mother was really fond of him, and that if his wife is really a nice person, she wouldnt mind 'sharing' her husband with her.

So, the man gave in to her persuasion, after being egged on by his bestfriend who was practising polygamy. He wanted to get married in secret with a simple reception. But he must get his wife and children out of the house. So, he sent them away to Penang on a vacation. That was the first time he didnt go with his family for a vacation. However, his eldest daughter who was a college student, didnt go as she got something to do during the holidays.

While his wife and his 3 children was in Penang, he was getting married with the young woman in a traditional Malay wedding ceremony. It was supposed to be a secret from his family but unexpectedly, his eldest daughter found out. She was devastated as she felt his dad has betrayed her and her family. But thats not the worst. The worst came during the wedding ceremony. The man received a phonecall saying that Penang was hit by tsunami and that his wife and three children were missing. He immediately left the wedding. When he reached Penang, he met his daughter at the morgue. She had just identified her mom and siblings' dead bodies.

From then on, his only daughter didnt want to see him anymore. Down with grief and guilt, he blamed himself and the young woman for the demise of his family. He treated the young woman like a stranger. In the end, overwhelmed by sadness, he got stroke. He only met his daughter minutes b4 he died. The end.

Polygamy is a controversial issue. There r two types of polygamy: polygyny and polyandry. Polygyny is when one man has many wives. And polyandry is one woman has many husbands. We thought that only men can hv many wives eh? Haha. Think again.

Certain culture in the world does permit the women to marry more than one. Such as the traditional Inuits. Polygamy has actually been practised thousands of years ago. But what makes ppl still or dont practise this old practice are their religious beliefs and the evolving culture. In term of religious belief, we can see that the Christianity forbids polygamy. While Islam said, it is ok for polygyny. But most muslims usually stop right there. They didnt bother to check the 'rules and regulations' and the 'terms and conditions' for practising polygyny.

In cultural context, polygamy is something that is hard to digest nowadays. Why? To answer that, we need to know why polygamy exists in the first place. It exists becoz a long long time ago, human lacks resources. Thats y they need to share. Including husbands. And at times, wives. Polygamy that time was a social obligation. Not sexual. Well, of course, sex was just the perk.

There are certain parts of the world where the ppl r still poor and in dire state like Africa. And thats y in some African tribes, polygamy is still accepted by the tribe members. However, in other well-off parts of the world, polygamy isnt well accepted. It is because the reason for polygamy is gone: no lack of resources. Ppl are living more comfortably now than they did hundreds of years ago. Furthermore, women now can work and gain salaries. As opposed to hundreds of years ago where women was a burden to their families. Some women now are even better than men. Like Donald Trump said, "I hv always said that women are tougher than men". In this context, I m focusing on polygyny as that is the most popular one.

That is why, most muslims in Malaysia arent favourable to polygamy although Islam clearly allows that. Some men do practise polygamy in this country but 99% of them failed to fulfill the strict 'terms and conditions' or 'rules and regulations' set by Islam for practising polygamy. Why they fail? Becoz they do it not mainly becoz of social obligation. They did it for themselves. Deep inside they know they did it for their own sexual satisfaction. Sexual satisfaction is no longer the perk. The perk would be 'saving the woman'....from...whatever.

As for me, I dont favour polygamy. But it doesnt mean I m opposing to Islamic teachings. I just dont favour it becoz this option in Islam is just...an 'option'. It is not obligation. Meaning, it is up to the individual to do it or not.

But if say one day, my husband decided to practise polygamy...what would i do? I dont know exactly what i m going to do yet. But i know that my parents would be broken hearted, my granny would probably kill herself (if she's still alive. She is very emotional), my sister would go ballistic, and myself would hv to put on a big smile on my face. Hopefully the big smile would minimize the emotional damage done on my family by making them think i m ok. My family is against polygamy becoz of family background stuff. I dunno. But my mom's warned me about it. So does my dad and granny. As for my sister, she always say that whoever hurt me, she'll make them suffer. Well, same goes for me actually. Haha.

So u can imagine what my granny said to me after watching that malay movie last night. She's worried that i might ended up sad and hurt in the future. But i tell her that my past experiences hv taught me to be optimistic. There is always a risk when u get close to someone; the risk of getting hurt. I m aware of that risk. I m getting myself prepared. That is a part of growing up. I shunned myself from everyone last time coz i didnt want to get hurt. But it is now time to face the world. Hello World. Haha :)

2005-06-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

I had a dream. No, its a nightmare. I dreamt that my beloved marries another girl; his ex-gf. In the dream, I was in a wedding ceremony. I didnt know at first whose wedding it was. I had a digital SLR with me (at least thats a good part). I was the wedding photographer. When i was looking into the view finder and adjust the lighting condition, i saw my bf. In a Malay wedding attire. And his bride next to him. They looked happy. I couldnt shot the photo (to make the dream more nightmarish). My heart really ached that time. Felt like its being squeezed. I struggled to shoot the photo session. Finally i succeeded. They were smiling and laughing. My bf didnt even seem to recognize me. Suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned and saw my bf's sister, dina. She said "Hey, Kak zura!". I wanted to say hi back but my mouth was suddenly filled with blood. For goodness sake, i spurted blood!!! Ewww!! So, i bolted from there. I was bleeding and my heart was aching as i ran with all my might. Then i woke up.

Horrible, horrible dream. I hope it would never happened. That is my greatest fear after death. It is equivalent to death. I know that it is possible for him to leave me. He's popular among the girls. Girls flock around with. He is a flirt. He nicknamed himself the 'flirt guru'. He has a lot of girls who want him. Even if i leave him, he can easily get a new gf. And i would be a distant memory which has no significance to him. On the contrary, i m not a popular girl. I know i m cute (hehe), but i m not popular. If he left me, or i left him...i wont get a new bf. Becoz i m a terrible, terrible flirt. Hahaha. I never wanna leave him anyway as he's the sweetest person. Although he does hv a temper but he is charming :)

Pray that we would be together forever... :)

*sigh*.

2005-06-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

Another day wasted by sleeping and watching tv. I am turning into a lazy pig. Oh, what a coincidence! My chinese horroscope is the boar. Haha :P

*Burp*. I just had a dinner of poached egg and toasts. Sounds like breakfast u say?? Haha. Indeed :)
Planning to learn some php tonight. I know not much about it. When i took the subject 2 years ago, i didnt go to most of its classes and lab sessions. Why? Because I was too busy with my extra curricular activity: the yearbook. It made me missed classes for a month as I had to travel from Perak to KL in order to get the book printed and published. Also, i had to go for a trip to Penang with my friend Abshar and 2 English lecturers. We represented our university in a national level convention whose participants were mostly Malay Language activists. Our participation was like a joke there; unlike the rest of the conventioners, we aint excited AT ALL about making malay language an international language. Why? Becoz it is just impossible. They were suggesting that Malaysia should not entertain any international businesses who refuse to use Malay language as a mean of communication. Pfft. They said if Japan can do it, so does Malaysia.

But what these ppl dont realize is, Japan has the technology and knowledge that those westerners need. So, like it or not, those western businessmen hv to communicate in Japanese language with those Jap businessmen in order to obtain the Jap's technology. Malaysia in the contrary, need to obtain technology from the western countries and Japan. As a metaphor, you dont just go asking help from another person and ask that person to obey ur terms and conditions, do u?

I still remember that a group of participants approached me and Abshar asking if it is true that we r from UTP (UTP uses english 4 everything) and that we come with 2 english lecturers. Haha. When we said yes, the look on their faces r priceless :P

We didnt actually know the agenda of the convention. We just thought it was a convention for malay literature appreciation. But it was fun nonetheless. Driving from Perak to Penang using the old road at 40km/h since we were in a convoy of 100++ cars. Well, i didnt drive. My lecturer, Pn. Hairuzila did while me and Abshar were bickering in the backseat. Yeah, love arguing with him. And getting to know the lecturers in a casual, out-of-classroom way r cool, too. We werent student-lecturer that time. We were a team :)

One day, i m gonna be a lecturer, too. I find joy in teaching. But b4 that, i must work and gain lots of experience. So later on, i can share my experience with my fellow students.Oh, I have yet to write about ROTS or upload the photos i've shot in here. So, here's one:

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Me the Phreak

2005-06-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

Writing is my favourite past time. Ever since forever. I still remember when i was in primary school, the teachers were always impressed by my essays. When the other kids just managed to write a half page worth of essay, i would usually come up with 5 pages of narratives. The teachers would circulate my essays among themselves to be read during break time in the teachers room. But of course, i didnt write in english. I wrote in malay. I only started writing in english when i was 13. And since then, its always been in english. I can no longer write as well in malay. It is quite a loss even though the government is encouraging english literacy nowadays.

I started learning english by myself. I guess i picked it up somewhere in my childhood. But nah, my parents dont speak english at home. At home, we use Sarawak language...it is actually something like malay but not quite. It can be considered as a malay slang, but maybe not. I dont know, I m no language expert here. I started thinking in english when i was 7 for god knows why. That is why i m a bad malay speaker. Becoz i tend to translate english into malay, which just doesnt work due to the difference in word structure. But that does not mean i cant write in malay. In fact, i m still a good malay writer except that i lost a certain 'edge' to it due to lack of practice :P

I remember that when i was in secondary school, i used to be made fun of becoz i speak in english. Well, i didnt actually use english daily that time. Just on some odd occasions. But the kids just use that to make fun of me. Pfft. No wonder they r not so bright.

Everyone has a certain moment or period that defines them. For my case, its my secondary school life. I went to this boarding school intended for science-stream students and regarded as one of the best schools in Sarawak. It is becoz the students there are selected from the 'cream-of-the-crop' (my ass...). Well, in term of academic, the students are fairly good. But in term of other aspect of lives such as phillosophies, views of life...oh yeah...they suck big time. Since i m from that kind of school, u can say i sucked big time too. And maybe i still m. But maybe not. Becoz i didnt actually fit into the crowd that time. It could be my fault that i didnt fit in. And it could be the others fault as well for not opening up their minds but instead, chose to be egocentric. "Our way is the right one. Your way is wrong. You r a freak".

The first 2 years there was hellish. Goddemmit...i was a bully victim. Leaving me with emotional injury. Ha-ha. The thing about bully is that, its not becoz of physical injury but more to the emotional impact that could give long-term effect. Bruise and cuts can heal, but when they r in ur heart...you will hv to live with them forever. Most ppl would say that it is my own fault that i got bullied. "Who asked u to be a freak? Who asked u to be weird? Who asked u to not fit in?". But then again, how do u define 'weird'?? Each cultural settings give different definition of 'weird'. Forget about cultural anthropology; every person got his/her own definition of weird. Some ppl will consider an act as something totally bizarre but some ppl would consider it as something not to be baffled at. Consider this, if u r the only 'normal' kid on the block and the rest of the ppl r 'weird'....who's the weird one now? Get it? In this era of globalization, i find that those who exclaimed "oh, thats so weird...he's so weird...she's so weird...they r so weird" are just a bunch of geezers. I mean...they r saying that as if they r saying "hey...i m the cool one" when in fact, when they r thrown somewhere else in the globe, other ppl might be laughing at them. "Hey, check out the weirdo".

Anyone watch this japanese anime, 'Yakitate Japan'??? I m a fan of japanese anime. In this particular anime, the story evolves around one boy who r supposed to be the greatest baker. One of the characters in the anime, Kawachi, has a tendency to exclaim "nandatte??!!" (i think thats how it is spelled in kanji :P) which is equivalent to "What is that???!!" or "Eeekk...thats weird!!". So, in the story...Kawachi has to get rid of that attitude of 'nandatte' in order to be more creative in coming up with new type of bread. And i still remember in one scene in another japanese anime, 'Bleach'...where the main character said, "Ppl tend to hate u when u r different". U just sum up these two stories and come up with ur own summary. I think it is pretty obvious.

Weird as in eccentric is good. It makes dull life more interesting. But if weird as in creepy??? Well, that is totally a different story. And what i hv been babbling about deffinitely isnt of the later.

Coming out from that school, i become cynical. Until now i m still cynical; to a certain extent. But despite my cynicism, at least i m not one of the egocentric geezers. I wonder when i m gonna hv the chance to travel the world and see everything?? I might not fit into a certain society or culture or sub-culture, but i know i fit into the world culture just nicely. Anyone...care to travel with me?? ;-)

2005-06-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

. What a day. Finally i had the mood to do something today. Starting with customizing this blog page. Didnt know anything about blog skin design. That's y took me almost the entire day to do this measly 'blog frock'. Earlier this evening, i went out with my sister and her friends. It took us an hour just to find a place to hang out. It is very hard to find a spot to hang out here since...there is nothing here!! After an hour of driving around, we finally settled into one quaint restaurant (pub & grill)...that served expensive food with no taste.

Anyway, i finally got in touch with my bf yesterday. He just got his internet connection up in Doha so we have been chatting in the YM ever since (even now). Miss him tons...

Nothing interesting happened today. I have yet to take my dinner and my shower...and it is 10pm alraedy. Maybe tomorrow i can post some photos that i salvaged from my online portfolio. I wish i have a better camera though. I m working with Olympus C700 digital camera now. i wonder when i can afford to get an SLR digicam??? Anyone wanna sponsor me?? ;)

What else to do tomorrow??? Maybe should read some Basho's haiku. Huhu...my life is sooooooooo dull at this point of time....*sigh*

Konnichiwa~!

2005-06-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

A boring day...indeed. my very first entry and i hv not much to write about. i dunno y i even bother to write my thoughts in a public, internet diary. as if anyone would bother reading it. pfft.
but this decision to open up a blog is a must at this very moment b4 i m gonna loose my mind. i m demn bored here, with nothing much to do. the holidays just started...5 weeks at it. i m in an alien town i called home. no friends. no entertainment. no beloved bf (since he's away for the next 5 weeks to qatar). heck...this town only has one small measly cinema that i dont even wanna step foot into unless i m very very very very desperate. so far, i m not yet desperate since i can always catch a movie in the tv room, with pirated VCDs...all alone...no popcorns.

cant even do my favourite activity: shopping! becoz here got no malls!!! argh!! we only hv fish markets, and small stuffy shops with no air conditioning selling cheap products like the ones we can see in flea markets or pasar malam. yeah...this is my hometown. born here, raised somewhere else. in my 22 years of life, i only stay here full-time for a duration of 3 years. after that, my family moves around. even after my family stops moving around, i m the one who keeps on moving around until now. i m seldom home.

i left my portfolio back in campus. if not, i can share my photos here. i like photojournalistic style of photography. but most of my photos are of nature. hrrmmm...
i left my star wars novel in KL as well. now i hv nothing to read. yeah...i m an avid star wars fan. maybe not that avid since i dont bother to play its games becoz i just dont fancy computer games. the only games i like playing is racing games like NFS. maybe next time i m gonna write something about ROTS.

couldnt sleep well or even eat this past few days. i m making myself ill. maybe becoz i m missing my bf a lot? we hv never been actually apart. now, he is in qatar. i dont mind the distance. but our communication is gone for the next 5 weeks. he cant call me and i cant call him since it is expensive, and he hasnt activated his roaming service yet. he hasnt even emailed me. maybe becoz he has yet to find internet connection there although i find it almost impossible as doha is a big city. its been 3 days now and no news from him whatsoever. i didnt even hv the chance to say goodbye to him at the airport...with no communication, i tracked down his flight from airport to airport through the internet and even monitor satellite images for weather condition along his flight route. m i crazy? but at least, i know that his flight has landed safely at doha airport at 3.15am doha time. very much delayed. might be caused by the turbulent weather in the Indian Ocean that night.

its lunch hour. hv yet taken my shower. i m just in no mood to do much things. until when i dont know. i need to pull myself together. maybe taking a run along the shoreline would do me good